Specialist in LATAM

It is well known throughout the galaxy that humans are peculiar, and there is no system in which at least one story or legend involving a human does not exist. Little known is the fact that among humans, who are crazy, extravagant, intelligent, strong, and lacking in all logic, there is a group that is even more crazy, extravagant, intelligent, strong, and illogical than most humans, and even other humans treat with a certain… particularity. Indeed, I refer to the LATAM.

But what is a secret is that, even within this very particular group, there are individuals who stand out for having an exaltation of all the characteristics that impress and scare us about humans.

As a Human Relations Specialist of the Klandian Empire, I have received you as an apprentice and taught you everything I know about humans, but what I am about to tell you now is a great secret, not because it is dangerous, but because it represents a great advantage for our empire. Nevertheless, you will not be able to use this secret until you have gone through the cruel and deadly human initiation rites that will test you as part of their community.

You have already completed all the human initiation rites, which are the handshake, the dance, and the ethyl intoxication with a human companion, and even received the title of “Friend” in some human communities, which is a great honor, and for that reason I now invite you to follow the path to establish relations with the LATAM.

I won’t lie to you, it’s not an easy path. The LATAM rites can (and often do) be deadly, they will lead you to ingest poisons, challenge fierce beasts, engage in valor competitions, and do things that have no form of description in our language and are taboo to the rest of the humans. These rites change constantly, they can range from hitting a ceremonial vessel called a Pinyata to breaking it and then surviving the fierce attack of many human babies, to riding a wild Tralax for an indefinite time while it tries to tear you apart and devour you. There are no rules in their rites, I can only tell you that if a LATAM asks you “¿culo?” it means your life is in danger and that if you don’t do it, you will lose all the respect you have earned.

As you go through these rites, you will earn exclusive titles from the LAT, such as “Compadre,” “Wero,” or “Pinche Vato Loco,” but your goal is to earn the highest title: “Carnal.” Once you become Carnal of the LATAM, you will be able to get anything you desire from them and you will be able to use the secret I mentioned at the beginning.

You’ll see, sometimes there are problems that are impossible to solve, such as a FTL engine stuck in a transdimensional phase, a positron bomb hidden in an embassy, or a terrible epidemic capable of extinguishing all forms of life. In these cases, as you know, we always look for humans to help us solve it.

But there are occasions when even humans accept that something is impossible, either because it defies the laws of physics, the solution would cause a greater disaster, or the sacrifice of human lives would be futile against the challenge. When that happens, when there is no hope left, you must immediately go to some LATAM meeting point, in the presence of one of your “carnales,” and explain the problem. Then you must repeat the following words: “We need the Chink-On.” Then the LATAMs will say, “I have a cousin,” which is an indication that they will use their secret communication network to find a human whom everyone calls “El Chink-On,” they will bring him to your presence, and this being, for whom there is no impossibility, with the ability that only a true God could possess, will solve the problem by saying: “Wait a minute.”