Humor
HOWTO Bride
A parody that describes romantic relationships as if they were a computer system.
Author: Paynalton
Published: 2008
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Introduction:
There are many debates about the usefulness and convenience of having BRIDE. And it’s true that BRIDE can bring many advantages if used properly, but it’s also true that BRIDE consumes a lot of resources, and sometimes it simply crashes without any logical explanation, requiring you to intervene in the entire system to get it working again, which is why many end up uninstalling the package and removing all traces of its existence.
In some forums and lists, we can see users who are pleased to have BRIDE, claiming that the problems are more than compensated by the advantages. The truth is that at first, everyone is happy to have BRIDE, although the majority begin to complain after some time.
If you still want to have BRIDE despite everything, then let’s begin:
Preparations.
The first thing we need is to have the appropriate support in the Kernel. Keep in mind that there are certain incompatibilities between BRIDE and some things that you surely have already compiled, but that would bring you problems if you keep them along with BRIDE.
#cd /usr/src/linux
#make –menuconfig
First, you will have to remove the kernel support for the following modules:
< >Drunk
< >Long hours in WOW
< >Talks about technology that only you understand.
< >Critiquing famous artists for being stupid.
< >Looking at other women.
< >Desire to save money.
< >Intentions to try to install Linux on every device that falls into your hands.
And you must enable support for the following:
<>Patience
<>Ability to stay away from the computer for more than 15 minutes
< M>Desire to socialize
<*>Ability to endure long conversations that never mention Linuz Tovars even once.
Note: If you really don’t want to completely remove support for what we mentioned earlier, you can put them as modules and activate them with modprobe when BRIDE is not in use. But be careful, because sometimes BRIDE activates suddenly, and if these modules are active when it does, it can cause the entire system to crash (especially if you have “looking at other women” active).
#make && make modules_install
#make install.
Installing BRIDE
First, download BRIDE from your preferred repository, there are many repositories, some free and others private, choose the BRIDE you want and download it.
The repositories I can recommend are:
$wget http://cafeteria.escuela.edu/novia.deb
$wget http://salondeclases.escuela.edu/novia.deb
$wget http://antromascercano.com/novia.deb
$wget http://forodeencuentros.com/novia.deb
$wget http://citaaciegas.mama.org/novia.deb
$wget http://amiga.hermana.net/novia.deb
$wget http://novia.mejoramigo.net/novia.deb
$wget http://amiga.infancia.org/novia.deb
$wget http://desconocida.concierto.com/novia.deb
$wget http://vecinita.vecindario.net/novia.deb
Estate preparado para satisfacer las dependencias con los siguientes paquetes:
#apt-get install baño-diario peinado-decente mira-sus-ojos-y-no-sus-pechos
#apt-get purge hablar-estupideces wow-adicción
Y también es recomendable contar con los siguientes paquetes:
#apt-get install flores chocolates cena-romantica cine
Una vez que tengas todo listo, como root:
#dpkg -i novia.deb
Es importante que no intentes instalar mas de un NOVIA al mismo tiempo, pero si tienes dos o más procura tener solo un módulo activo o se te colgará el sistema.
Reinicia el sistema y tendrás a NOVIA totalmente operativo
Using NOVIA
You can start the service with the command:
#/etc/init.d/llamaportelefono start
This will start novia every time you need it, to stop it you need the following command:
#/etc/init.d/llevalaacasa stop
If you are not going to use NOVIA frequently, use often:
#/usr/bin/llamaparasaludar
Otherwise it might be that NOVIA no longer responds when you try to start the service.
Also, try not to use this last command excessively, as some versions of NOVIA seem to have a bug that causes it to hang permanently, especially if you use it more than five times a day.
Troubleshooting NOVIA
If at any time NOVIA hangs, you can use the following command:
#echo “Te Quiero” >> /etc/novia/oido.conf
#cat /sbin/besotierno >> /etc/novia/mejilla.conf
#/etc/init.d/llamaportelefono forcereload
And if that doesn’t work, you can try:
#cat /sbin/regalocaro >> /etc/novia/mano.conf
#/etc/init.d/llamaportelefono forcereload
If you notice that NOVIA is hanging very often, check if you are missing any dependencies. It would also be advisable to have these packages if you didn’t install them previously:
#apt-get install ponte-desodorante lavate-bien-la-boca pon-atencion-cuando-habla
Extra Packages
Among other things, advanced NOVIA users recommend the following packages:
#apt-get install novia-gusto-por-el-wow novia-usa-linux novia-vuelvete-geek
The “sex” package is highly recommended, but it is advised to have already spent some time using NOVIA, since many novice users want to install “sex” right after configuring NOVIA, which almost always leads to a bug that causes NOVIA to uninstall itself and dump all the error logs onto your /home in one go.
If you want to install it, it is recommended that you enable it as a module in your kernel
<M> condom
Or, if you don’t want to load the module every time you want to use “sex” with NOVIA, you can set it permanently:
<*> vasectomy
Neither of these two is mandatory, but if you don’t do it, NOVIA will eventually execute the command:
This proprietary package takes up a lot of space (it takes approximately 9 months to download the compressed tar file and about 18 years to decompress and compile), and in some countries it is mandatory to install:
#apt-get novia-matrimonio
which is not always what the user wants.
In these cases, some have found the solution by running one of the following three commands:
#killall bebe
#killall embarazo
#/sbin/NOVIA –aborto
But it goes without saying that by license, this is illegal in many countries.
Conclusions
Well, now that you’re better informed, enjoy NOVIA if you find the appropriate package and remember that NOVIA is just a trial version that you can upgrade to ESPOSA by running the script:
#/usr/bin/boda -i /sbin/NOVIA -o /sbin/ESPOSA