# Barbecue of UMA style Culiacán Author: Paynalton Canonical source: Language: en Original publication: Alright, alright. I'll tell you a story, but not in exchange for a beer, because this story deserves at least four. And before I begin, I want to thank all the empires, republics, hive minds and others that have declared war on humans, because without them we wouldn't have so many interesting and amusing stories about how they were defeated by this species that no one expects anything from and always manages to surprise us. How should I begin? I think I'll start by remembering that humans come from a planet so dangerous that even the most beautiful flowers try to kill you... Seriously! In fact, one of the most beautiful flowers from that planet is called a rose. It's a flower with bright colors, soft petals, and a fragrance so delicious that the monarchs of Arkiliom... yes, those who believe they are gods and think everyone in the galaxy is their servant... import large quantities to perfume their palaces. But these flowers hide sharp thorns behind them, and if you try to cut one without proper protection, you'll end up in the infirmary with bandages and probably lose a couple of suction cups. And well, there are no roses in this story, but there is the name of a human: Antonio Rosales. A very "thorny" name, jajajaja. You'll see why it feels strange to me, and the soldiers of the UMA Entity appreciate that he had the name of a flower and not that of a deadly beast or any other of those threatening names that humans usually go for. One day, the UMA Entity, a collective consciousness like so many others, decided that the human colonies on the edge of its space were a good place to collect resources and slaves easily. But they were in for an unpleasant surprise. You see, UMA is one of those civilizations very advanced in biotechnology, so they don't have many technological weapons, but they do have enormous quantities of creatures that end up winning through numerical superiority. When they decided to invade humans, they didn't send a large fleet, just a seed that traveled to the closest human world, one called Nuevo Culiacán, where Antonio Rosales was governor. Although Nuevo Culiacán is mostly a desert planet, it became a very prosperous place, since humans were able to successfully cultivate cacti for food and raw materials. But the star crop of the planet is a plant they call "nopal," which is basically a water leaf on top of another water leaf, all surrounded by thorns, and also produces a fruit called "tuna," which is even more thorny than the rest. You can imagine where this is going. When the UMA seed germinated and literally began to grow legions of invaders from the earth, humans started organizing their defenses and asking for help. Although, of course, the help would take longer to arrive than the invading forces at each of the planet's colonies. So, in the face of a lack of military help and weapons, the governor did what any good governor should do... evacuate? We're talking about humans! Humans don't run. Instead, all the civilians— at least those who could hold a weapon— became defenders and prepared for the invasion. There are many stories of heroism and sacrifice in this battle that I won't tell you today, but I will say that, according to the humans themselves, the governor ordered that the crops be used for defense. So, when the UMA hordes approached the human colonies, they found a very... spiky defense. First, there were traps on the ground. The enormous UMA creatures, which use tanks and armors in place of vehicles, never reached the colonies, since they fell into pits filled with cacti. These injured their legs and most died from blood loss before even getting close. The aerial attacks weren't very effective either, since the flying UMA, which specialized in diving down to capture enemies, couldn't pass through the garlands of cacti that the humans had placed over their colonies. Those that tried ended up with their wings torn apart by those huge spines. And the ground attackers... oh, poor creatures. They had to advance under intense fire from bullets and explosives, but what really caused them damage was the endless rain of these fruits called "tunas," which fell incessantly, hitting them everywhere and leaving hundreds of tiny spines wherever they landed. The few that managed to reach the walls found themselves facing barricades of cacti full of spines and humans equipped with armor made of cacti, wielding long swords called "machetes," usually used for agricultural work. When the help arrived, everything had already ended... or almost. The humans invited the rescue troops to a big feast. It turns out the invading UMA forces were edible for humans, so they simply started collecting the cacti, tunas, and remains of the invaders and the... cooked them! I was a soldier at that time and I swear the whole planet smelled deliciously. That was the origin of the famous "UMA Barbecue style Culiacán," which I hope you've had the chance to try. Illustrative image created by AI License [CC BY-SA](https://creativecommons-org.translate.goog/licenses/by-sa/4.0/?_x_tr_sl=en&_x_tr_tl=es&_x_tr_hl=es&_x_tr_pto=tc)